Staying on the Funny Side – Of Kitchen Gadgets

Show me the complete family frolicking (is that still a word?) thru the meadow with the dog and the handy dandy monogrammed meals packaging carrying case on wheels with the drink holder and solar radio, and I’m diving for my credit card.

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Tell me that for just an extra greenback, I can get a complete set of chrome steel knives guaranteed to reduce metallic and to survive 3 generations, and it’s miles no longer a need – no longer a need – it has grown to be an I need to have this or I will die – overlook braces for Junior, Mamma needs a meals garage machine.

My husband attempted to block the channel when I ordered him thirty-seven button-me-easy kits that promise to update your button in thirty seconds without the need for needles or thread. He said it might have been a very good idea if most of his shirts had buttons.

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It occurs again the day prior to this. Just after I’ve slightly recovered from the ramifications of ordering a lifetime supply of underneath-the-mattress sweater organizers that emit a lilac fragrance – I see her white tooth and that acquainted pantsuit, and I’m below her spell once more. This time is different. This device is the king daddy of all devices – the Air Sucker 2000 – breaking all data in high tech kitchen gadgetry. Put your food inside the bag, slide the bag through the sealer and it sucks all the air out of the bag and maintains it sparkling for the rest of your lifestyles – simply as sparkling as the day you placed it in. We’re contemplating using it on Great Uncle Fred. You can seal pork chops, bird, steak, salad, soup, or even a pint of your canine’s blood need to he ever want a transfusion. This might have been an accessible factor to have when Uncle Skeeter cut off his toe with the weed whacker and we needed something to hold it in.

This is innovative. This will keep our hundreds of thousands of bucks in wasted meals. This, I ought to have. I determine to order 3 – simply in case they prevent making them. “What are you doing?” my husband asks in an accusing tone as I’m reciting my credit score card wide variety to Susie who swears the Air Sucker 2000 modified her lifestyles. How does he do that? I must yell for assist 4 instances once I outstanding glue my foot into my new shoe (long tale). It takes ten mins for him to come to my aid after I get my hair caught inside the drain (even longer tale). We have a useless squirrel on the front porch for 3 days and he does not even be aware. Pick up the telephone to try and vicinity a tiny little credit score card order and it’s like I blew a dog whistle.

I inform Susie to please maintain, roll my eyes, and give an explanation for to my husband, even as looking to be affected the person, that this is one of these essential purchases. “You do NOT need that,” he says, gritting his enamel. He should definitely discover ways to cope with strain extra efficaciously. “Yes. I do.” “Like you needed the battery operated Bug-Be-Gone for the pool?” He may be quite sarcastic when he wants to be. “Hey, you said your self that turned into a true idea,” I point out. “We do not have a pool!” he growls. I dangle up the smartphone earlier than Susie can name 911 to file domestic violence and follow my husband to the kitchen where his status with his palms crossed, carrying that look he receives while he is about to win an issue. Uh-oh.

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“Open that cabinet,” he barks. “Come on. Open it. And tell me what you see.” I do not appreciate his tone. “Let’s see,” I murmur. “There’s the green pepper spiral…The vegetable blender with the pasta attachment…The six-pace juicer with the sleeve to preserve the morning paper…Oh, here’s that adorable serving tray with the ceramic pigs in bikinis on pool floats…And the pasta colander that will become a centerpiece…And I’m not genuinely sure exactly what this element is…” My voice trails off as I move slowly deeper into the cabinet. “What’s that behind the silver-plated cake stand that sings glad birthday?” he asks at the same time as I drag out a dirt-blanketed contraption and read the phrases on the facet: Air Sucker 2000.

Suddenly it comes speeding back – November, two years in the past. I nonetheless bear in mind the day it came inside the mail. I turned into so excited. I changed into convinced that this innovative item could trade my life. I by no means may want to discern out the way it labored. It becomes missing three portions, would not paintings on any pace but excessive, made an awful screeching noise, blew a fuse, and changed into wider than my counter pinnacle. I wrapped one piece of fowl (which is still in my freezer, thank you very plenty) and determined it wasn’t worth the attempt.

Lee Hogan

Gamer. Twitter fan. Unapologetic analyst. Award-winning beeraholic. Subtly charming explorer. Cyclist, follower of Christ, drummer, Saul Bass fan and collaborator. Operating at the nexus of simplicity and elegance to save the world from bad design. Concept is the foundation of everything else.

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